I should know to never get too settled or make too many long term plans. God always seems to keep me in limbo just long enough to doubt Him and then BOOM! There is a plan that happens so fast my head is spinning and my emotions are trying hard to keep up.  Thus the past week of my life. One big whirlwind of emotions. I went from having no plan to having a very defined, long term plan. And the craziest part-its not one iota of what I thought the plan would be.

Go back 1o days ago or so. Its a Thursday night. Always on the lookout for the next step and a planner to the core, a friend randomly posted a job opening on his Facebook so I sent him a message. I honestly didn’t think anything would happen with it. Surely I was not qualifed, they had already filled it, or some other excuse would keep me from landing the job. However, within an hour he had sent me a reply and called me the next morning to set up an interview ASAP. Let me tell you something. The job was the exact type of job I was looking for. An administrative assistant. Yes, I realize that most young girls do not grow up dreaming to be admistrative assistants, but after a year as a teacher I knew that one, I was not cut out to work with kids, and two, I love numbers, details, and paperwork. I don’t plan on staying an assistant forever; eventually I want to move up the ranks in administration. But you have to start somewhere. Problem is with little experience working in an office, I was not the top candidate for any job I had thus far applied for. Especially in this market.  After I hung up the phone with him, I danced down the hall, jumping and pumping my hands in the air. When I realized my co-workers were watching, I felt a little silly, but still I had an interview. And that’s all I needed. However, immediately after my victory dance, I realized that I had absolutely nothing to wear to this interview. Teaching on an island did not exactly expand my business professional wardrobe. So that night it was off to the mall I went in search of a business suit. This was Friday. My interview was Wednesday.

Tuesday night, business suit in tow, I packed up and drove to the interview. The job is located in Evansville. Not my ideal location, but I figured no harm in interviewing and it was a good excuse to go visit two of my best friends! I got up Wednesday morning, had breakfast with a girlfriend, donned my suit and pearls, and headed off for lunch with my friend and then the interview. I was super nervous. Although I don’t know why because at that point I wasn’t so sure I really wanted the job. See, the job was perfect, moving back to Evansville, on the other hand, was NOT in my plans. When I left there a year ago, it was for good. (or so I thought..) The interview started and about half-way through when I had only answered two questions, my potential boss goes, “Don’t worry, Caleb already talked you up so that’s why I am not asking a lot of questions.” We chatted a few more minutes and before I left the room, he offered me the job! Just like that. I was in shock. I was seriously speechless for a minute. I figured they would interview a few people and get back to me in a few days. To head home with an offer in tow was not what I was prepared for.

So now came the deliberation. This was not another short-term prospect. This was a full-time, 8-5, salaried position. And he wanted me to start ASAP. My initial enthusiasm was hampered by the thought that I was going to have to give up my adventurous spirit and settle down. Thank goodness I have some great friends and an awesome family that listened to me and utlimately talked me into the job. Although really, I had already decided I wanted to do it, I just needed a little extra confirmation that is was the right next step. Everything had worked out so perfectly; there is no way this not the hand of God. And I had been praying so hard for direction and peace and a job that I thought I could do for awhile. Ironically, while settling down was my biggest fear, it was also something I was craving. I have moved at least twice a year for the past six years. I am ready to stop doing that. And I not married or getting married or even dating so there was no limit to what I could do with my life.  I could literally go anywhere and do anything, but when it came down it, this was perfect. And ironically, since then the few things that I had been pursuing have since gone cold and I haven’t heard anything from anyone.

So today is Wednesday. It was been exactly one week since I was offered a job, accepted a job, and changed the entire direction I thought my life was going. It has been a very emotional seven days. I am not sure if I am excited, nervous, sad, or happy. In six days, I will be back in Evansville, starting a brand new job, and looking for a place to live! What an adventure right? 🙂 Never a dull moment in my life, and of course, I had just finally gotten my last box unpacked from Saipan!

In one week, I will be an administrative assistant with Northwestern Mutual. I will have a desk, a business card, and an e-mail address. Its scary, overwhelming, sad, and exciting all in one breath. Saying good bye to my dear friends at home when I just said hello is certaintly not easy, but I know that this is the next step in life. And plus, I don’t intend on giving up any chance for some extra adventure and will have plenty to learn with my new job!

What about you? What’s new in your life? Any exciting changes coming up soon?

Crash. Burn. Flounder. Flail.

That most accurately describes my transition back to life here in America. I don’t say home because well, I am not sure where home is anymore. More appropriately, I am realizing that home is not a place, but an idea and a sense of belonging to wherever you are. And of course, this world is only my temporary home thus it will never truly feel like home. But back to the transition.

I have learned a lot about myself over the past six weeks or so. Starting with, no matter how hard I try, I just do not transition well. I was determined after the fiasco of returning from Africa that this time would be different. This time I would come back perfect and normal and smoothly transition back to life. Ha Ha Ha. The only success I can say is that it has only taken me six weeks to get to this place whereas last time it took me six months. The only other previous major transition in my life was a cross-country move and that took me a year to get over so I am making progress. I am growing as a person and each transition has helped to shape me into the person I am today.

Unfortuately, the biggest hurdle to transition, I believe, is finding someone, anyone who is willing to let you flounder a little and realize that it is part of the process, and not a direct reflection of your feelings towards them. That my irriating habits are simply an outward expression a deeper inner struggle. That my clinging to random and odd things, my inability to explain myself, and my quiet silence is simply part of the process. It is part of the transition. Not the fun part, not the easy part, but the part that is often biggest. My family was gracious for the most part and I do not fault them for their inability to understand.  In fact I am so very thankful for them and can say that they are one of the few reasons it has only taken me six weeks to finally feel like my feet are back underneath me. They have been there and have forgiven me and loved me despite it all. They are my family.  Outside of my family I am very thankful for my few close girlfriends that listened to me, cried with me, laughed with me, and let me vent when I just needed an ear. Throughout the past six weeks, I have learned a lot about who I am as a person, what is important to me, and the value of forgiveness, love, and grace in relationships.

Life changes when you leave. People move forward and make new friends and establish new traditions and memories. And you do the same. I made new friends, experienced new things, made new memories, and spent a lot of time at the beach. Then all of a sudden you come back. And you aren’t the same and no one else is the same and relationships change. I believe it is then that you discover the true meaning of friendship. That you discover the people in your life that are permanement fixtures and the ones who were temporary. You find that some relationships you thought you could count on are the ones that leave you the most broken in your vulnerability and the ones that perhaps faded while you were apart are now back, stronger then ever. That you pick up the phone and it seems like you talked yesterday. Or that you pick up the phone and realize that you no longer have anything to talk about. That life has taken you different directions. In those moments, transition can be the most brutal and can also be the most beautiful. I got both ends of the spectrum. Less then a week after arriving, I lost the one relationship I thought I could count on. The one person that had been there throughout the last few months and who I felt I desperately needed in this time of transition. They, on the other hand, decided that indeed this was the time to break ties and leave me to my own. I was heartbroken, depressed, and felt more alone than I should have. For in the losing of one, I gained far more. I reconnected with several friends that I love more dearly then words can express. I was able to spend more time with my family and I learned that sometimes it is only through brokenness that we are truly made whole. It is often only in our darkest hour that we cry out Abba and we learn the love and tenderness only He can offer. I also learned that only in forgiveness can we ever move forward. I spent a lot of time assessing the relationships in my life and realized that the ones I truly valued were still right there and that I simply needed to forgive them and love them. That while my transition was difficult on myself, it was not easy on those around me either. So I placed all the pieces of a broken heart in the arms of the One who sees me as no one else does and let Him heal me. I forgave those around me who I felt had hurt me and decided to love and trust that God had a plan in all this.  And I can say that today, the plan is starting to take shape. It scares me. Its new and unknown and nothing that I ever thought would happen, but it has all fallen into place so perfectly, I have to trust that it is right. And ironically, I knew that is how it would happen. I would settle in only to be unsettled again. God is teaching me the value of learning to accept and process change rather then fight, run, and argue with its necessity to life.

I will write more later on the specfics of the changes I have gone through, but for now I am thankful for the process. At times it was brutal, at times it was beautiful. And its not over. It is still a daily process. But each day gets easier and each day I am increasingly overwhelmed at the love and joy that surrounds me.